Today started out wonderfully, breakfast made by my grandmother during the wee hours of the night, watching the sun come up to my new Phil Collins CD while driving down the lonely mass pike. The view is gorgeous, moutains and snow and the whole thing is breathtaking.
Then I was on time picking up everyone, and on time, early actually to the service this morning. That was quite posisble one of the most difficult things I have done. I was trying to fight tears throughout the first half hour we were there, which was just us sitting watching people come in. People I haven't seen in years, who have graduated and whose faces I remeber but whose names I have long forgot. The haven't forgot though. The sense of family in that small church today was overwhelmingly comforting, the sense that if something happens to any of us, we will all support each other and how true that is. Also though, the sense of grief and loss. There is no word other than heavy for how I felt and how that room was today. There were beautiful songs and welll scripted prayers, heartfelt stories of rememberance and theories on why it happened, attempts to comfort. There were so many tears, so much sadness and grief. It was overwhleming.
After the service there was a reception and recieving lines. I waited in line and got incredibly anxious to see Jill, to hold her. I couldn't even speak to say "I'm sorry" or "I'm here for you" Just looking at her got me all choked up. So I did what I could, I hugged her and cried on her shoulder, made her feel like the wonderful mother, I'm convinced she will be. I let her cry on my shoulder as well and we just stood and held each other, no words needed to be exchanged and I hugged her til she pulled away. Then I stepped away into a group of familiar faces that I wanted nothing to do with. I wanted to leave, to get out of the grief, out of the room, the universe, I couldn't stay there. IT beacme to happy, to social within it's sadness it was the reuniting of faces lost and found again, of teachers and former students or friends and former enemies. The energy shifted and made me even more uncomfortable. So we left. I took a part of the grief with me, it will always be there. The words, the faces, that sense of heaviness will never leave.
Then we went out to lunch and drove home as if we'd just seen a depressing play instead of a real life situation that affected us. We were all so blown away we wanted to push it aside, and not deal with it. Just like the kids who came to the service on something or the kids who didn't come at all. We wanted to escape that feeling too, only we did it differently. We played loud music and planned for lunch, and New Year's. Everyone wanted to escape it was simply to much to bear. So we went to lunch, I dropped everyone off at their designated places and returned home exhausted.
I got home, arms filled with suitcases, gifts, scarves and garbage to a letter on my kitchen table. A letter from the dean at hofstra. He was pleased to inform me that I have been accepted to Hofstra Univeristy for the class of 2009! Instant energy rush!!!! So I called Mom, she wasn't home, so I called Tom and screamed for a good 10mins "I GOT INTO COLLEGE" I danced and screamed some more, made coffee and jumped and oh man, such a feeling of relief. Then I called Dad, who was equally as happy for me. We made dinner plans.
Tom, Dad and I went to Hops for dinner. That was less akward than I envisioned, which is good. Dad got Tom's approval and Tom got Dad's, so the hard part is done. Dinner was good.
Then we were supposed to go see Spanglish, but after waiting in line for 10mins, after already being 10mins late and realizing we were going to miss 1/2 the movie by the time we got tickets, we decided to ditch and go to Middletown and prayed the entire town of Middletown didn't decide to go to the movies, like Berlin apparently had.
So we saw Meet the Fockers. Funny, even the 2nd time. Now aside from my left arm feeling light and my right being dead heavy, I am wonderful. So content from tonight and looking forward to breakfast tomorrow. But today was a roller coaster of emotions, as I anticipated it to be. Glad to be ending the day on a postive note, with the plans of tomorrow lingering in my head so I will wake up happy.